Find The Light

Sometimes we find comfort in the darkness that surrounds us, it swathes us in a thick blanket that we feel trapped, yet it's still a warm cocoon we don’t fight to escape. There are many literary illustrations of darkness; how it’s a familiar friend, a mirror reflection of how we feel in our soul, a comfort zone that we’ve grown to call home. It’s pretty ambiguous in its definition, not only is it in relation to a place or circumstance, it also pertains to our thoughts and emotions. Think of it as a spider that can make its web anywhere or an octopus with many tentacles. I’m not sure how your darkness can be defined, but in my own life I have experienced it greatly within my mind, as my thoughts transgressed from ones of hope, ambition and faith, to ones that become negative then depressive, before teetering towards the edge of suicidal.

Before I took the step to develop a personal relationship with Christ, I didn’t know if I could ever come out of that cycle of torment that would have me tossing and turning in bed, crying alone in my room and masking with a smile or otherwise ‘happy’ demeanour when interacting with people. Some part of me felt I deserved to feel that way about myself, and even if I reached out for help, those people would only further confirm what I believed to be true that I did not matter, my existence meant nothing to anybody, and should I end my life not a single soul would care.

I grew up going to church, so this was one of the things that lead me to let go of my mother’s hand and seek salvation for myself, to finally know this God I grew up hearing about face to face. I struggled to accept God’s forgiveness by believing that He wouldn’t want anything to do with me, and that I had let Him down beyond repair. I soon came to realise that part of my struggle was that I didn’t forgive myself for past decisions I regretted, or for thinking so poorly of myself. Whilst forgiveness is another topic to be discussed, that is one of the anchors to secure you in Christ, and keep you from buoying even further in the vast or deep darkness you find yourself in. 

Years pass and I have found freedom from such thoughts about myself... but then I hit rock bottom again, only this time it seemed to have an even deeper grip on me. I would wake up with teary eyes because I just didn't want to be alive and couldn't take being on earth anymore.

I wanted to be gone.

I didn't think it was possible to ever feel this way again, because I now had Jesus in my life and had matured throughout the years in my spiritual walk. In addition to that, I just hadn't experienced that deep depression in so long it was almost a forgotten memory. I was angry because I knew God wouldn't just kill me, I know that sounds weird or even slightly laughable, but I knew that He was going to accomplish His will and so until that was done, by His grace I anticipated more mornings of waking up. This made me feel trapped, on one hand I didn't want to go forward with God's plan, it just felt too heavy and like too much for me to do. But I also didn't want to walk away from God because there would be nothing for me there if I tried to live such a life. A small part of me still wanted to obey and follow through, so I guess God latched onto that so it would grow and spread more to outshine the darkness.

It's so difficult to find the light sometimes in life, I know what it feels like to desperately want a glimmer of it, and what it feels like to abhor the concept entirely. Well whenever you're ready to come out of the darkness, I want to remind you that there are so many ways that this light can be shed, and best of all it can be in the simplest of things such as; getting fresh air, wearing an item of clothing you like, sharing a long hug for the first time in a while, doing things that make you laugh. Wherever you are find that that flicker in the distance leading to the path of brightness or call on Jesus himself, He will come into the darkness and the radiance of His presence will serve as the light you need.

It gets better.