It’s always one last time until you don’t want to kiss goodbye.
It’s always one last time until you miss the warmth it once used to radiate.
It's always one last time until the door creaks open and you haven’t the strength to lock it.
It's always one last time until you get a glimpse and keep unveiling for more.
It's always one last time until you flirt with the memories and embrace that familiar caress.
It's always one last time until you think of a life without and fear that nothing could ever come above it.
Just one last time whispers the voice in your ear, a hypnotic mantra that distracts you from seeing how a destructive end is near.
This idea of savouring a moment or working towards a momentum that will result in a desired outcome that will be worthwhile, is something that we experience in moments of life pertaining to family, education, travel, friendships, careers, hobbies and of course food. Another area of life we also apply it to is sin.
You know that sin
The one in which you keep saying the mantra one last time, but that was ten times ago and you’re sure this will be the end...but then you extend the time period even longer. I’m sure something popped into your head, but I’ll speak of myself to not have you deal with it - at least for the next minute or two then it’s your turn.
Orgasms.
I’ve experienced them through masturbation, that build up to a release of fleeting pleasure which never left me feeling great afterwards and I’d scold myself for doing it again, and insist on implementing stricter boundaries with myself. But can I be honest? I understand this can make me appear to be an unserious and undevoted Christian, I was very half-hearted with those boundaries. I knew that when watching shows that I should skip past the sex scene, when reading spicy scenes in fiction books (and they can be very spicy) I should skip the pages, when listening to music that had sexually explicit lyrics I didn’t always skip because well I liked the song, when I’d have fantasies in my mind about romance or sex, I didn’t always force myself to change my thinking but rather indulged in my lewd thoughts.
I will now sound even crazier by admitting that at times I would say this is the last time and try to make it count, because there would be no more pleasure after this or at least there wasn’t supposed to be. I have had times of ignoring when I knew God was nudging me not to give into my horniness and just did my own thing. There were times I could’ve gone to sleep instantly, and felt the heaviness on my body, but I still chose to do my own thing. A particular time left me in tears because my body wanted pleasure and I was very horny, but I didn’t want to do it and so tossed and turned for a while debating on it, until I fell asleep. I can admit that one of the worries of me completely stopping to masturbate and remain sexually pure until marriage, was how could I get through those times of feeling horny and know that I couldn't do anything despite wanting to do so badly.
I’m being transparent because it’s only in recent years that I’ve been confident speaking to people about this struggle, after so long feeling like it was only a boy thing and that girls couldn’t struggle too. There seemed to be a lot of readily available help to encourage young men growing up to abstain from this sin, whilst young women are told to keep their legs closed and it's assumed we are sexually dormant until a ring is on our finger. I would desperately search online for conversation regarding this topic from Christian women, because I really didn’t want to be the only one and therefore a ‘bad’ Christian girl. I not only wrote this for that someone who needs to see that it’s not a unique struggle to them and other women have also experienced this, but perhaps it’s for my younger self too as this would’ve helped me feel seen.
Freedom is found through Jesus.