I've come to learn so much more about women's sexual health, one of the surprising truths being that stimulation is needed to bring healthy blood flow to the genitals. There are such conditions known as clitoral atrophy and vaginismus, that would not only be hinderances to a healthy and thriving marital sex life, but a hinderance to the actual act being able to take place. Respected professionals, who have taken the initiative to be so informed in all that entails women's sexual health, have provided some knowledge that made me realise how little we know about sexual health in general. Therefore, we are failing to equip women and growing girls with the knowledge they need to take care of their bodies.
I once had a post, in which I shared my belief that masturbation is harmful, because of how selfish the act is with our bodies that are meant to be treated as a Holy Temple. Also, how this is potentially opening doors to lust and perversion in our lives, or a lack of connection within the marriage bed. Whilst my opinion on the matter hasn't changed, I have taken the time to think again, and one point that I made in that previously uploaded post and still stand on, is that the church is failing women in being so discreet about the sexuality aspect of womanhood.
I'll take this time to discuss why such discussions are important, and need to be had across the board in open and honest dialogue. Our current society is overtly sexual and this exposure has only been increasing in increments throughout the years. But despite the public displaying of women's bodies whether it's on; pornographic sites, modelling garments, discussing body count, misogynistic comedy, there is little respect placed on women's sexuality, and thus lies have been fed to young girls, adolescents and grown women.
A distortion in our understanding of sexuality, distorts how we see ourselves as women.
We'll never get the full picture, nor embrace all that is womanly if we disregard one of our God given aspects. In an attempt to preach the importance of sexual purity, there has been ignorance mixed within messages that have shamed and condemned women from embracing their sexuality. In some historical fiction books that I've read, many set in the 1800s, in the contextual landscape of these narratives are messages that women were not believed to have a sexual desire, that "good women" in society didn't need sex beyond the duty of conceiving children. Many would only lift their skirts, and go a lifetime not knowing that pleasure within sex was their right to experience, that they could experience orgasms. Statistics in modern day would show that there is still this belief with the huge gap of women unable to orgasm in sex. This does not have to be the case for your life and it's my desire that the narrative begins to change, starting with the church community on teaching women about their sexuality, and building them up to have knowledge and confidence in this aspect of womanhood.
In what ways can this be achieved? Let's start with first acknowledging that this is an aspect of womanhood, that God created us to be sexual beings too (we have the clitoris that was created solely for pleasure). We are not wanton harlots for feeling sexual desire, having them or even curious in knowing more about them. We mustn't blindly fumble through life pretending it doesn't exist, because this opens doors to the very behaviours the church is intending to dissuade us from in the first place.
1) We must talk about genitalia, and inform women and girls about how to take care of and understand our reproductive system: the vulva, vagina, pelvic floor, clitoris, labia, uterus. Along with hygiene, diet and fitness, include self-assessments, medical health/issues, hormones, how to aid in a healthy and thriving sex life.
2) We must answer questions that growing girls have, we do not need to always try to come up with answers on our own. You can use the wisdom of medical professionals and other women, you have the Holy Spirit to provide you also with wisdom, and the words to say when having such discussions. We mustn't brush off curious minds because this world that is filled with perversion will be their teacher, and we must protect our daughters from the lies of the enemy to perverse their sexuality. So when questions such as:
What does an orgasm feel like?
Is it wrong for me to use a dildo?
Penetrative sex is painful
How best can I eat during my menstrual cycle?
What does a pretty vagina look like?
come up let's all use the resources we can to help these women, and remain prayerful to God that He would help us understand more about the way He created us.
3) Share your testimonies! I have written a post One Last Time in which I speak about my struggle with masturbation and lust. Because of my experience indulging in perverse thoughts, overly sexual content and masturbating, I advocate against single women going down this path. It only fuelled my lust and became a stronghold in my life. There are many other testimonies women have regarding sexuality that if they share with others can caution a warning, tell consequences that can be a result, demonstrate God's redemptive and restoring power, and provide freedom to others who may quietly be in the same boat. In sharing our testimonies whether it's about our experiences having pre-marital sex, medical issues, struggles in the marriage bed, we can help one another and further build the community of sisterhood as well as keep the conversation surrounding our sexuality shame free.
4) Church communities must be intentional in providing support to those who have experienced sexual trauma and abuse. These experiences impact the way God's daughter view their sexuality, feel about their body, experience intimacy. The journey to healing isn't one that must be rushed or dismissed, and the onus shouldn't just be on local leaders, but encourage individuals without shame to seek help from trusted professionals such as therapists and counsellors.
5) There must be education given to men surrounding women's sexuality. Churches must take the initiative to be accountable in the language they use, discussions they have and messages preached that can lead to the shaming and condemning of women as sexual beings. There must be efforts in place to protect the safety of women and girls from men who harm or encourage harm against women. We cannot excuse, protect or reward those who are abusing women, even if they attend church and know scripture.
6) Prayer is always key, and in the way we encourage prayer for deeper spiritual maturity or suggest it to those who may face trials. Let's encourage our women and girls to pray about their sexuality and sex lives. It may seem a scandalous suggestion to some, but let's remember that God created sex and our sexuality is a part of our existence. So to those who have questions, ask God to give you wisdom and bring people who can help you understand. Ask God to renew your mind when it comes to how you view sexuality. Ask God to help you have a thriving and abundant sex life. Ask God to send the right professionals to help you with any medical issues. Ask God to heal you from sexual trauma you have. Ask God to help you in moments when you're feeling horny, so you don't call that person. Ask God to help you blow your husband's mind in your marital sex life. Ask God for self-control and discipline to combat struggles or vices you have that negatively impact your sexual perspective. You can bring anything to God, including your sexuality as a woman, He cares about all facets of your life and is faithful to help you and give you grace to thrive.
I hope this post shed some helpful insight. I am passionate about conversations surrounding womanhood not just being stagnant and centred on wifehood or motherhood. As I am learning, I hope God grants me wisdom to speak in ways that won't further dismiss the complexity of our womanhood, but shed light and celebrate the uniqueness of it.