First Love

 


Prince charming 

Knight in Shining Armour 

Soulmate 

Bae 

My man My man My man

There are numerous terms used to describe the future partner in a woman's life, often times this unknown person is marketed in such grand ways, that it tugs on the hearts of many women who desire romantic love. In my post All The Single Ladies, I mentioned how 

wanted for Jesus to be my first and true love - I yearned to come to the point where He was all I needed and I was truly content in Him. Not surface level contentment, whilst secretly pining for love from a man to really fulfil me. I wanted Him fully and to be whole in Him. 

Whilst this is an honest and true desire, throughout my life, I had a backup plan which I put all my eggs in and desperately hoped to experience, and that was to receive this fulfilling love from a man. I've always loved romance, and noticed as a teen growing up that I enjoyed indulging in content that focused on romance whether; films, fiction books, story times on YouTube, watching proposals and wedding videos, or scrolling through Pinterest boards that were filled with couple pictures and quotes. Even in my own imaginations I indulged, I would make scenarios in my head during school if I found lessons boring, and before bed I would have scenarios playing like a reel as I fell asleep. To sum me up I was a walking red love heart, a love letter that had wrinkled and ink faded from all the years it was cherished and re-read. 

In the back of my mind I would question internally 'why do I love romance so much?'. Now romance is a desire that God has placed within His daughters, and the book Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge, explains this really well. I just assumed that being a girl, we are more drawn to these things and I also had a desire to be married. It's only in recent years that I believe God has been exposing His light on my heart when it comes to this desire and revealed two things:

1. I made romance an Idol 

2. I had daddy issues 

To speak to the former, I had heard many times that idols aren't just golden calves and statues, but they are anything that we place above God. My indulgence in romance, had lead to habits of neglecting to read my Bible at times in favour of reading romantic fiction, I would push prayer to the back on my to do list, so I could watch a 'how I met my boyfriend' video. I felt frustration at times with God like His love wasn't enough or really satisfying, because I sought for love from a man to really fulfil me and God's love was this placeholder. I didn't date during my teen years, I am 23 as I write this, and have still never had a boyfriend. With the examples I've listed, do you think God would've allowed a man to come into my life?

I always thought I knew what daddy issues meant, I understood it in the sense of having an absent or abusive father. My dad was always present in my life, and so I didn't think I fit into the category. However whilst he may have been physically present, he was emotionally absent and my indulgence in romance was an attempt to fill the hole of love and affirmation that a girl should initially receive from her father. 

Romance became an idol as a way for me to cope with my daddy issues. 

It wasn't until my early twenties that I realised this, and suddenly things became clear! The rose tinted glasses came off, and I could begin seeing how unhealthy of a partner I would be in an actual relationship, and how I was projecting much of my parental wounds onto God. I always had the desire for Jesus to be my first love, I didn't want to be a single woman who idolised men and spent her years miserable rather than living life. Many sermons remind single Christians that Jesus is the ultimate love, even if one has a spouse, so I wanted to take the initiative to start prioritising Him in my youth rather than later. I just wasn't aware of how much love I reserved from God in hopes to give to my future husband, how I didn't trust Him or always allow myself to be fathered by Him because I didn't have the best earthly example. 

I had seen examples of the love that is available when one is healed from trauma and in a healthy and godly union. I desired to have that, and take the steps necessary to become a woman that is a suitable counterpart, to a man that has also undergone the process of healing and maturity. In my self-reflections with God, He exposed how I would feel the need to manipulate a man if I was to enter a relationship, because I had a need to be in control and I had trust issues. My parents had a turbulent relationship and I desired the opposite, God revealed how I would put so much pressure on a potential partner to do more than is within his given capacity, because I wouldn't want to miss any signs that he may not love me. I anticipated that love from a man would fill the God sized hole that can only be filled by Him. These are to list just a few, and this revelation was sobering and made me recommit to the initial desire of Jesus being my first love, but not in a performative way of looking like a good Christian woman or completing a step in 101 things to do as a single person. I wanted to be nestled to His heart, sitting at His feet, in personal intimacy with Him. To learn about Him and spend time with Him, as in the process of getting to know someone new, I wanted to be intentional and devoted to Him in a whole heart way. 

Desiring romance in our lives as women isn't an inherently bad thing, but let my experience be a caution as to not let these desires become idols that we glorify and pursue above God. I desire that every woman experienced a beautiful God-ordained love, but always keep God's love above a man's. The man you desire will get his overflow from God, that he then pours into loving you, so don't you see how we can't neglect His love when it's the well we draw from in all areas of our lives. I have moments when I realise that I am going down that path again, but conviction keeps me running back to Him and focusing on the commitment of loving and knowing Jesus. 

Return to your first love.