For the vision is yet for the appointed [future] time. It hurries toward the goal of [fulfillment]; it will not fail. Even though it delays, wait patiently for it, Because it will certainly come; it will not delay.
Habakkuk 2:3
It begins in the year 2017 when I received my A-level results and I was set to attend my first choice university in September. I was a bright eyed young girl with a dream I had been carrying since I was 10. I was about to progress to a new level after fighting through the debris of negative opinions, people's doubts and even my own moments of discouragements, the dream remained alive - it survived. My undergraduate experience was a challenge, not in terms of the curriculum, but my own confusion in how my Theatre and Performance course made sense in the journey of my goal, which then was to be an actor. I felt disconnected from my studies and confused about why God would lead me to pursue a degree at an university I never even wanted to begin with, was He setting me up for failure? By His grace I completed my degree, ending my course during the unforeseen circumstances of COVID in 2020.
I entered university hopeful and optimistic and I graduated depressed and frustrated. I struggled to understand my life, I couldn’t see how my dream was going to be actualised and for the first time I didn’t believe. This was a mountain that seemed impossible to climb, paired with the pressures I felt of having graduate success. I felt the need to prove to myself and to others that I could have my dream, that I wasn’t being a naïve girl that needed to grow up and pursue a serious career. My postgraduate life has been a far cry from what I ever imagined, I’ve had unstable employment, months of unemployment, depression, suicidal ideation, high anxiety and stress levels, no money and debt. This has been my lived reality for the past few years and I’ve had so much shame and felt embarrassed about who I was and how my life was going. I was very hopeless and felt as though I existed in this dead and empty place, but for some reason had no motivation to move from, because what could I really achieve? I believed I was a failure and would recite that to myself constantly and never showed myself any compassion or grace because I would tell myself "I’m an adult now I'm supposed to be having things come together."
Even with all this happening the hand of God has remained upon my life. When I had given up on my degree and failed a module but found favour to still be allowed to pass, He carried me the rest of the way to the finish line of graduation. When I was deep in suicide ideation wanting to die and believing I should take that step, He kept me and fought for my existence. He’s faithfully provided so whether I have income or not my daily needs are supplied. He has kept me in perfect health, I can't remember the last time I was ever ill. He preserved my life in a house fire at the start of 2022. In an unstable economy He has sustained my household to still have our needs supplied. He has healed me, exposed the wounds and issues I have and nurtured me to become better. He has blessed me with a vision that is greater than anything I could imagine. He has given me fresh creativity in the areas He’s gifted me. He has given me peace and joy in times when I should really be stressed. He has kept the passion I’ve had since I was a little girl, to keep me persevering in the fulfilment of my prophetic destiny. He has connected me to people and communities that encourage my spiritual walk and career endeavours. He has blessed me through the hands of friends and family who serve me with time and resources.
God has been incredibly good to me, even when my circumstances have not been the best. I publicly praise Him in this post because He is deserving of it, He kept me and continues to do so even when I would rebel, make the wrong choices, abandon what I should be doing, not pray and read my word, project my frustrations onto Him. No one will ever be as good to me as Jesus, no one will ever love me like Him.
I am still piecing life together, the dream has shifted from being an actor to pursuing creative endeavours as a writer. I don’t understand God’s plan but I’m learning to rest in His presence and trust Him as my Heavenly Father. It’s difficult, but I still pursue because I desire for His will to be established in my life.
When hope's dream seems to drag on and on, the delay can be depressing. But when at last your dream comes true, life's sweetness will satisfy your soul.
Proverbs 13:12
Life can turn out a lot different than we imagined, but keep going and never give up, no matter how many times you have to start over.
